|(pas de sujets)
||[nov. 5e, 2004|09:31 pm]
lah ah oo rah *click* *click*
Blair sat on the toilet, thinking about the day. He began putting pressure on his bowels. He didn’t have time for this shit. No pun intended. Blair didn’t want to sit around and wait for his feces to plop out of his ass into the toilet bowl.
It had been a while since he had cleaned his toilet, or his bathroom for that matter. His sink and shower were currently growing little friends for him. The sink had an assortment of paints crusted around the edge of the drain. One of them started out while, but is now a slimy green. The shower has a black ring of mildew three inches below the ceiling and another four inches off the floor. The shower drain had collected enough hair to allow water to stand for hours.
He didn’t want to think about what was growing in his toilet bowl.
Blair pinched off the shit protruding form his anus. It made a little splash in the water that trickled on his butt.
Two hours later, Blair was eating lunch with another student in his art history class.
“Yeah. You know how it is. I blacked out last night, woke up in my apartment wearing lingerie and my roommate’s girlfriend’s dress. And now my friends are all laughing at me.”
“Damn dude! That kinda happened to me last year… except I lost a bet … and when I woke up, the dress was tacked to my door!” Blair said.
“How I Discovered Immortality
Bob felt a gurgle in his stomach. He was on his way home from the bars. The Conoco was half a block away. He could make it if he didn’t hit the red light.
The light turned yellow and then red as Bob approached. There were no cars coming, so Bob decided to book it across the street. The gurgling was getting worse and getting closer and closer to escaping his body, the way an inmate would escape prison if given the opportunity.
The flashing lights stopped him when he arrived at the other side of the street. The officer got out of the squad car, and walked slowly, deliberately over to Bob.
“You know, jay-walking and public intoxication are both illegal sonny,” the cop said.
“Yessir,” said Bob. The bile was trying even harder to force its way out of him. How was he going to get out of this? He had come so close to using the bathroom, rather than defecating in his pants. The Conoco was right fucking there! How did this always happen to him?!?
“You alright?” the cop asked.
“Nah dude. I gotta take a killer shit! I ate a 5 on the spicy scale at the Thai place earlier, and now it wants to come out. No. I am NOT okay!” Bob said.
“Sir. Please refrain from using such obscenities. Thank you. Now, you are the third person to say that tonight. You have the right to…”
The cop went on and on. He put the handcuffs on Bob, and put him in the back of the cop car.
As the policeman closed the squad car’s door, Bob shat himself.
The next day, Bob was released from the holding cell. His ass was still covered in his own excrement, and he stunk, but at least now he’d get to tell his friends he shit in a cop car. He’d be the only one. Ever.
Jeremy is in the blackout zone. He even knows that he’s there. He is wandering the halls in the dorm he lives in. He has been drinking since 5:30 in the evening. He usually would have fallen asleep by now. It’s two in the morning. Jeremy stops in the hallway and leans against the cinderblock wall, pisses down his leg because he forgot to take his dick out of his pants. He looks down at his wet leg, chortles, then continues walking down the hall.
Jeremy goes into a room he thinks is his. It isn’t. Jeremy sits on a box in the closet to the right of the door.
“Jeremy! What the fuck are you doing? Jesus fucking Christ!!! Get out of my goddamn closet!”
“What are you talking about you fuckin’ bitch? I’m not in your closet. I’m in my bathroom. How’d you like it if I burst into your bathroom while you’re trying to take a dump, and yell some gibberish at you?” Jeremy says to the girl who lives in the room.
“ I don’t want to hear it you sorry drunk ass motherfucker. I can’t believe you! You’re trying to poop in a box in my closet… what the fuck?!?” She said.
Jeremy stands up, hitting his head on some t-shirts on coat hangers. He looks around, tries to make-out with the girl who lives in the room, when she pushes him away, he pulls up his pants from around his ankles.
“Hey….Ummmmmm…I’m sorry…” he says, then turns around and walks out her door back into the hallway. He goes back to his room, goes directly to the bathroom he shares with his roommate and suitemates; drops his pants, sits down on the toilet seat and waits for his release.
“Inspired by All Quiet On The Western Front”
It was a beautiful bathroom. Pristine. You could tell that no one had ever used it. She sat there. Wishing she didn’t have to go so badly. But she did. She really did. She’d been holding it in all afternoon. She found out this morning that she’s pregnant. She doesn’t know who the father is. But that’s not her fault. It’s hard to know who the father is when you don’t remember ever even having sex. She wasn’t ready for this. How would she tell her parents? She didn’t even know who the father was! How could the doctor have told her that she was pregnant? Mary had just turned 20. She had never had unprotected sex, and had never missed a birth-control pill since she turned 16. She hadn’t even had sex in a year. She was terribly confused, and hoped that it was some sort of mistake.
She looked around at the bathroom. There was no mildew. No dirt. Not even a speck of dust. Nothing. The bathroom was so clean she couldn’t bring herself to be (probably) the only person to ever crap in its toilet. She stood up, pulled up her pants, and left the bathroom. She could not defecate in there.
Upon leaving her aunt’s bathroom, she didn’t know what to do. She went up to her aunt’s room, and said goodbye, and thanked her for the lunch earlier, then left.
Mary hurried home, and did not stop to check her answering machine on her way through the door. She ran down the hallway directly to the bathroom. She pulled down her pants and waited for all the shit to come flowing out. It did. She felt relieved. It was as though her entire life had been cleansed. The absence of feces in her life gave her great pleasure, and helped her believe that someday, the shit growing in her uterus would not be such a burden.
“Jesus Hates Me”
Jessica was on a blind date. The boy she was with was the cutest thing she had ever seen. He was gorgeous, intelligent; he shared her moral, political, and religious values and beliefs. He was perfect. He even had the same views on abortion as she did. He agreed that to have an abortion was just the same as bombing the shit out of one of those little tiny villages in Africa filled with starving children who are converting to Christianity.
Jessica and her blind date, Joel, both disliked scream bands and heavy metal. They liked happy-crappy bands like Switchfoot and Creed, and on occasion Fountains of Wayne.
Joel had picked out the perfect moderately priced Italian restaurant with real flowers and candlelit tables. It was very romantic. Jessica could see herself falling for him. She was sure that he felt the same.
Jessica had worn her most intriguing dress for the date. It was a black dress, which showed off her legs, arms and perfectly sculpted back, but not her cleavage. If a man saw her cleavage, it was like Jesus was crying. Joel had worn a nice suit. Not a very nice suit. But a suit that was a little out of style, but still had the qualities that trendy things sometimes have… Jessica wanted him.
Jessica began rubbing her legs together slowly, and tried to play footsies with Joel under the table. He glanced up at her, with his perfectly innocent baby blue eyes, and grinned. A slow, sexy grin. She couldn’t wait until he would rip off her dress, throw her down on a bed, and make wild passionate love to her. Jessica got wet just thinking about it. She was a born again Christian, also a born again virgin. She hoped he wouldn’t think about her honor in this situation.
After their meal, Jessica invited Joel over to her place. He insisted on his own apartment. Joel held her hand all the way to his apartment. When they got there, Jessica was so excited she could hardly contain herself.
When they got inside, he went to go make some coffee; she stripped down to nothing. Joel came into the living room a few minutes later, and immediately started blushing. He had brought with him the Bible, so that they could read their favorite passages to each other.
Jessica sat there, staring. She didn’t know what to do. She immediately raced for the bathroom. She didn’t think to get any of her clothing. So, she just sat there, on this beautiful boy’s virginal toilet seat… planning her escape.
Jessica was very very nervous. Since she was little, every time she would get nervous, Jessica got diarrhea. She sat there, hoping and praying that she wouldn’t this time. The walls in this apartment seemed so paper thin.
She couldn’t control it anymore. She had to go. She let herself fart and dribble feces down the toilet bowl’s interior. Her bile had never smelled worse, and she had never felt worse about getting diarrhea when nervous.
When she was done, she couldn’t face Joel. Instead, she slipped into her clothing and crawled out the bathroom window, leaving it open behind her to air out the bathroom.
“Better Than Phone Sex”
“Hello?” she said.
“Hi. Is Teresa there?” he asked.
“This is she. Who is speaking please?” she asked.
“Lord, Teresa, it’s me honey!” he said.
“Oh. I’m sorry... it’s been such a long time you know…” she said.
“Why do you sound so strained, sweetheart?”
“Oh. I’m opening a jar… It’s a tough one… No big handsome strong man to open them for me…” she said, while grunting.
“What was that?” he asked.
“Oh. I dropped a pickle back into the jar by accident,” she said.
“Oh. Okay Terry…” he said.
“Will you hold on for a second, sweetheart?” she asked.
Splash. Whirr. Glug. Swish. Whirr. Splash. Gurgle. Glug. Thud. Shatter. Screech.
“Terry? You alright?” he asked.
“Yeah. I was just running and tripped and hit the wall. No big deal. I’m fine. Just clumsy…” she said.
“Oh, well, I gotta run, the dog wants out… I’ll talk to you later, hun?” he asked.
“Sure thing, lover. I miss you,” she said.
“I miss you too,” he said, as he hung up the phone.
“Jeez! I can’t believe Teresa went to all that trouble just so I wouldn’t know she was taking a dump…” he said, watching his dog on the lawn. “ It must be love.”